TGIF!

Last Friday at 4:00 pm I was struggling under the weight of a huge rubbermaid container with three potted plants perched on top, leaving my office for the last time.  It's amazing what accumulates in one's desk over the years.  From business-related items like textbooks & training notes, to sweaters, extra shoes & scarves for the winter or when the a/c is working in the summer.  And the lunch drawer with tea bags, crackers, dishes, a cutting board (yes, a cutting board... I also had Tide stain remover sticks & shoe polish).

It felt bizarre as we drove away from the downtown core, realizing that THIS IS IT.  I'm now unemployed & we're getting ready to ride off into the sunset.  People have said to me "wow, you've got guts...".  The honest truth is, I don't.  There are moments where my fear is almost tangible. 

What are some of my fears?  Sketchy hostels, sickness, lost luggage, angry customs officials, aggressive touts (I hate haggling and avoided the markets in Mexico for that very reason).  And the insects... (though my love of gardening has forced me to deal with my aversion to bugs, I realize our Canadian insects are nothing compared to the ones we'll come across.  I'm glad Aron will be around; he's fascinated by creepy-crawlies.)  Oh, and rats. 

I also worry that I'll have moments of overwhelming homesickness, that my musicianship will take a serious nosedive without regular practice, that we're making a huge mistake.  After all, don't we love our home?  Our jobs & routine?  Our life?

Ah, cold feet.  It can sneak up on you out of nowhere, making your stomach churn.  I take comfort in knowing that this is normal, that lots of people have moments of doubt when faced with a major life change.  It helps to recognize what's happening before becoming crippled with hesitation, not wanting to take a step until every imaginable scenario has been mentally prepared for.  The reality is, there are very few situations that are life and death.  Some fellow travel bloggers even say that they enjoy the "misadventures".  How very Pollyanna of them!   

The truth is, I'm not sure how a naturally brave person thinks.  I'm reminded of Thich Nhat Hanh's wise words, which can be applied to anything: "Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy." Well then, I'll just have to pretend my way into being intrepid! One day I'll look back on my doubts & worries and laugh. Just like I do now when I think back on my angst-ridden teen years and the silly things that kept me up all night.